Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
be right there i have to get my cape
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
