I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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