am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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