First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
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