Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
