u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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