I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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