I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
We smell like vodka and hangover
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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