I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
