Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
