Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
