boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
