Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
