can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
