I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
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