It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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