my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
