final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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