I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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