just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Randomize
