I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
