my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
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