my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
