Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
