I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
