So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
