I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Shame - the story of my life.
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