At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Just took my morning after pill in the library
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
