They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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