I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Randomize
