I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
