That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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