Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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