Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
I did not marry a roomba.
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