my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
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