positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
