I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
i think i scared a bird with my dick
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I'm having to shit out rocks
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
