apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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