I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
