My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
