and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
