I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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