mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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