I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
