The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
