I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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