wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
