Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
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