Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
