the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Randomize
