I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
