I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
