GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
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