her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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