I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
