Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
