living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
