I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
