your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
