the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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